There was a question i struggled with when debating whether to go to art school or not, i knew i wanted to continue to make art but i didn’t really understand my motivation for it. In hindsight i doubt there was much of a motivation, in a childish and naieve outlook on it i worried that it was a sensation of being lost and unhappy that spurred the want to create on. In anticipation of life moving on and things changing i figured that those would have little impact anymore and would that need to create something fizzle out and leave me even more uncertain of a direction.
Every 20 something year old i know has no idea what they want from life and isn’t entirely sure that what they chose to spend the past few years doing is what they want to spend further ones pursuing. This only trips us up because we were given to understand we had to have a life plan together by now, our parents were married, settled, had careers or at least jobs they’d committed to.
There is the instilled notion we have to have it all figured out, which at some point we all realise is a bit unrealistic. The only way in which i’ve counteracted the strong disappointment of not having my shit together is that i’ll do something that makes me happy until it doesn’t. Whatever that is will undoubtedly through up problems and we’ll deal with them with as much preparation as possible and where not, the best we can in that situation.
Nostalgia and summing up of getting a grown up perspective on living aside, i can’t recall being more lost and not continuely, but through chronic episodes, than i have been throughout the last year. I am ever thankful there hasn’t been the self indulgent time of day to wallow in it. There is nothing worse than standing back and merely acknowledging your own capacity to find life incomprehensible at that point in time. It completely separates you from any process of processing or actioning. If by some chance you make it back to forming a plan of action it only mounts the pressure of the new start of things are going to be better once this mere event has been put in motion.
After six months of living alone, almost a year of not knowing what was going to happen next, constantly digging myself out of a financial hole, and being single for 8 months i did decide my own company at the end of a long day, that quite often was made up of my own company, was enough. I got a cat. When he came back to mine i sat down that evening and genuinely mused that i needed nothing else. I had everything that could possibly make me happy.
This is what brings me back to my original point, everything that’s happened in the past year has been a move forward, employment, relationships, housing, experience, friendships. With every move forward i’ve created less and less work. Life has offered me distractions and i for no moment think that any of my unhappiness and lack of direction contributed to an ability to create, however i do believe it was the means to working out a plan of action that didn’t have to be a resolution to everything. They were the capacity to get through to the next day and deal with the next set of circumstances. Now i am aware that if i don’t make the same time i did then, for the process of understanding and working through life via the medium of making, i won’t be able to find a way of understanding and processing these new circumstances. Which may hold far fewer issues but are still an essential aspect to the whole body of existence and the other half of a life lived.